FUNNIEST JOKES - SHOWPIECES IN WINDOW

A woman visiting Israel notices that her little travel alarm needs battery. She looks for a watch repair shop, and as she couldn't read Hebrew, she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock.
The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I'm a mohel. I do circumcisions!"
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
The man replied, "And what should I have in my window?"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE FAIR GAME

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - BLONDE POLICE OFFICER

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - MUCH THE SAME WAY

A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn’t seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.

“Remember that lousy office complex I bought?” asked the lawyer, “Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”

The doctor replied, “Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It’s amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way.”

“It sure is,” the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, “but I’m confused about one thing – how do you start a flood?”

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE HISTORIC EVENTS

Teacher: What happened in 1809?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Stupid. Abraham Lincoln was born in 1809. Okay, what happened in 1819?
Student: Abraham Lincoln was ten years old.

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE INJURED THUMB

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!"

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE LONGER SPEECH

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?”, he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.” Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE ROLL CALL

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

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FUNNY ONE LINERS - CHILD LABOR

If child labor is a crime, then why teachers give home work?

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE WRONG IDEA

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy’s lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to pee.”

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this hedge.”

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between
her legs.

He shouts in horror, “My God Mary … have you changed your sex?”

“No,” she replies. “I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit instead.”

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FUNNY THINGS TO PONDER

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn't he just buy dinner?
12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
15. Stop singing and read on............
16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
19. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

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HILARIOUS JOKES - AS OLD AS

The census taker knocked on Donna’s door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

“But everyone tells their age to the census taker,” he said.

“Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?” she asked.

“Certainly,” he replied “Well, I’m the same age as they are,” she snapped.

“As old as the Hills,” he wrote on his form.

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FUNNY URDU JOKES - SHETAN

Assembly ka ummeedwar taqreer karnay k baad khamosh hua to kisi ne zordar aawaaz mein kaha: "Tum jhootay aur be-imaan ho, main tumharay muqablay mein shetan ko vote dena pasand karon ga."
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Ummeedwar ne muskuratay huye kaha: "Theek hai janab! Agar aap ka dost election mein kharra na hua to phir aap mujhay hi vote dijiye ga."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - CHEETAY

Aik shikaari ne anpay dost se kaha: "Main ne Misr (Egypt) mein so (100) cheetay maaray.
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Dost: "Misr (Egypt) mein to cheetay hotay hi nahi."
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Shikari: "Hon gay kahan, main ne to sab khatam kar diye hein."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - SHAERI

Pehla dost: "Main apni shaeri se duniya mein aag laga dena chahta hoon."
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Doosray dost ne kaha: "Meray khayal mein to zyada munasib yeh hoga k tum apni shaeri ko hi aag laga do."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - KHAN SAHB

Aik dost (doosray se): "Yaar! Apnay khan sahb ki qoo'att-e-samaat bilkul khatam ho gaee hai, ab shayed unn ko naukri se nikaal diya jaye."
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Doosray dost ne kaha: "Yaar! Kaisai batein kar rahay ho? Inn ko to taraqqi day kar shoba-e- shikayaat ka incharge bana diya gaya hai."

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FUNNY URDU JOKES - FAUJI AUR GADHA

Aik bhaarti fauj k karnal ko gadhay paalnay ka be-hadd shoq tha.
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Uss ne apni haweli mein kuch gadhay paalay huye thay.
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Aik din ussay pata chala k uss k aik azeez dost ko aik gadhay ki zuroorat hai.
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Karnal ne apnay uss dost ko khatt likha: "Pyaray dost! Agar tumhein gadhay ki zuroorat ho to mujhay yaad kar lena."

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VERY VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - VOTE

Aik shakhs ne pagal khanay ki sair kartay huye aik pagal se poocha: "Tum yahan kion aur kaisay aaye ho?"
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Pagal: "Log kehtay thay k main pagal hoon aur main kehta tha k log pagal hein."
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Woh shakhs: "Phir kya hua? "
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Pagal: "Hona kya tha? Unn k haq mein vote zyada parr gaye."

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FUNNY URDU JOKES - SHANAAKHTI CARD FORM

Aik preshan haal shakhs aik admi k paas apna shanaakhti card form pur karanay k liye aaya.
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Uss admi ne poocha: "Tumhara naam?"
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Uss ne jawab diya: "Aslam Khan."
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Admi ne phir poocha: "Baap ka naam?"
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Uss ne jawab diya: "Akram Khan."
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Admi ne phir poocha :"Shanaakhti alaamat?"
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Woh shakhs masoomiyat se bola: "Likh dijiye 'chehray per preshani k aasaar'."

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REALLY FUNNY PUNJABI JOKES - SARDAR KA SAWAL

Minister: "Bomb blast mein halaak honay walon ko paanch laakh rupay (5,00,000) aur zakhmi honay walon ko teen laakh (3,00,000) rupay denay ka ilaan kiya jata hai."
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Sardar: "Tay jehnaan da 'tarraah' nikaleya ey, ohnaan wastay kujj naee?"

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