HILARIOUS JOKES - THE BETTER ONE

Two little boys were arguing.

“My father is better than your father!”

“No he’s not!”

“My brother is better than your brother!”

“No he’s not!”

“My mother is better than your mother!”

The second boy paused. “Well I guess you’ve got me there. My father says the same thing.”

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VERY VERY FUNNY MATHS JOKES - MAHTS

Teacher: "Batao k 'Maths' ka kya matlab hota hai?"

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Student: "Sir! 'Maths' means..."

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M: "Mental,"

A: "Attack,"

T: "To,"

H: "Handsome,"

S: "Students."

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MOST FUNNY SHORT URDU JOKES - ITTAFAAQ SE

Teacher: "Ittafaaq' ka jumla banao?"

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Student: "Jiss din meray abbu ki shaadi thi, Ittafaaq se ussi din meri ammi ki bhi shaadi thi."

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VERY VERY ENGLISH JOKES - PRINTING PRESS

Teacher: "Children exams are near, if you have any any question about exams you can ask?"
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Student: "Madame! In which printing press, the question papers are being printing?"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE DAMNED PERIOD

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

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HILARIOUS AIR HOSTESS JOKES - TEA FIRST

After been in a flight the pilot turns on the speakers to tell the passengers that in one hour time they would be landing, he forgot to turn off the speaker and says to the other pilot 'mi a drink some tea an then guh fuck the air hostess'...

The air hostess heard and started to run towards the cockpit to tell him that the speaker is on, so a little boy puts his foot in the way and she tripped and fell he then looks down on her and says 'yuh nuh hear d man seh him a drink some tea fus'

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HILARIOUS JOKES- THE ACTION OF BUYING

Little Johnny is attending a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump and chest.

After a few minutes of watching, Johnny asked his father: "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied: "Because when I'm buying horses I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy them."

Johnny gets a worried look on his face and says to his dad: "Dad, I think the Fedex guy wants to buy mom."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE WAY YOU'RE THINKING

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None" replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away".

"Well the answer is four" said the teacher, "but I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well" said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone? "
"No", said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking!"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - SAYING THE BLESSING

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

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HILARIOUS JOKES - JUST LAUGHING

Little Johnny came downstairs crying loudly.

"What's the matter?" asked his mother.

"Papa was hanging pictures, and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

"I did," sobbed Little Johnny.

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HILARIOUS JOKES - LITTLE JOHNNY IN LOVE

A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

“I’m in love,” the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”

“With YOU!” he said.

“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”

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HILARIOUS JOKES - LITTLE JOHNNY THE CUNNING

The maths teacher asked Little Johnny, "If you have £20 and I ask you for £10 as a loan, how many pounds would you still have?".
"Twenty" came the reply.
"How so?" enquired the teacher.
"Just because you ask me to loan you £10, it doesn't mean I am going to."

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FUNNY ONE LINERS - CHILD LABOR

If child labor is a crime, then why teachers give home work?

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HILARIOUS JOKES - SARDAR IN RAIN

Sardar goes over to visit one of his friends.
While he is at his friend's house, it starts to rain very heavily the type that is not going to stop. His friend tells him to spend the night at his house and go home the next day.
When he hears this, he rushes out the door and comes a while later totally drenched and carrying a small bag.
So his friend asks, "Where did you run off too!"
Sardar says, "I went home to get my pajamas!"

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FUNNY THINGS TO PONDER

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn't he just buy dinner?
12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
15. Stop singing and read on............
16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
19. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE PLEASANT ETIQUETTE

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - OCCASIONAL MISTAKE

A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck.
"This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.
"I know," the employer said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."
Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake," the worker answered, "but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE BLONDE AND THE PLOW

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ”Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”

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HILARIOUS JOKES - JESUS ON THE DINING TABLE

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - FEAR OF SATAN

Priest: Are you scared of Satan, Johny?
Little Johnny: Nope. I have nothing to be scared of. You are the one that must be scared; you talk crap about him every Sunday…

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