Ensure your kitchen is kept
clean – eat out.
Showing posts with label Dining Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dining Jokes. Show all posts
THE BOTHERING CUSTOMER - HILARIOUS JOKES
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
MEHMAN NAWAZI - HILARIOUS SARDAR HINDI JOKE
Sardar ji mehman se: "Thanda piyo gay ya garam?"
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Mehman: "Garam ban'nay tak thanda chalay ga."
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Sardar ji: "Jao sheru! Aik glass freezer se thanda pani aur aik glass geezer se garam pani lay aao."
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Mehman: "Garam ban'nay tak thanda chalay ga."
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Sardar ji: "Jao sheru! Aik glass freezer se thanda pani aur aik glass geezer se garam pani lay aao."
PROPER DIET - HILARIOUS JOKES
A man walks into a doctor’s office.
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”
VERY FUNNY ONE LINERS - AWKWARD MOMENT
"That awkward moment when it's quiet and you're eating something crunchy.."
MOST HUMOROUS ENGLISH JOKE - LITTLE GIRL
To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat.
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"I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.
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Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man.
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"If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?"
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"You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.
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They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady.
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The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly.
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The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, but do you know me?"
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And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've been doing."
MOST HILARIOUS ENGLISH JOKES - THREE GUYS
Three guys are in a Cessna.
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The first drops a penny out the window.
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The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
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When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
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He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
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The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
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The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
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He asks: "Why are you laughing?"
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The guy says: "I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..."
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"What's so funny about that?"
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"It blew my neighbor's house apart!"
VERY FUNNY ENGLISH JOKES - POLICEMAN
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
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After looking the man over he says: "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
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The man gets really indignant and says: "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
HILARIOUS ONE LINERS - AWKWARD MOMENT
I hate when waiters ask: "Are you done with that? When the plate is completely clear. Like nah, Imma eat the plate too."
MOST HILARIOUS JOKES - BAREYANI MEIN BOTI
Do moqon per insan apnay dost ko bhi bhool jata hai.,
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1). Pyari si girlfriend mil jaye.
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Ya,
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2). Bareyani mein achanak boti mil jaye...
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1). Pyari si girlfriend mil jaye.
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Ya,
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2). Bareyani mein achanak boti mil jaye...
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE IMPROMPTU LECTURE
A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is allotted to him.The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex.
Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.
The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night.
Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."
Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.
The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night.
Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."
FUNNY SHORT JOKES - OPTIONS FOR LUNCH
Air hostess: Would you like to have lunch, sir?
Passenger: Hmm, what are my options?
Air hostess: Yes, or no!
Passenger: Hmm, what are my options?
Air hostess: Yes, or no!
HILARIOUS JOKES - BACHELOR'S MENU
MONDAY:
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.
LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost ninety-nine cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the Maalox
DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
WEDNESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke
DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
THURSDAY:
BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza
LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
FRIDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
SATURDAY:
BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.
LUNCH - Ditto
DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
SUNDAY:
BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.
DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.
LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost ninety-nine cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the Maalox
DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.
TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw
LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.
WEDNESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke
DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps
THURSDAY:
BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza
LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.
DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.
FRIDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder
DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.
SATURDAY:
BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.
LUNCH - Ditto
DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.
SUNDAY:
BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.
DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.
HILARIOUS JOKES - BIG TURKEYS
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE OLD AGE VIAGRA
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance," says Mrs.. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on."
A week later Mrs.Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.
The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
A week later Mrs.Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.
The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What was terrible?" said the doctor, "was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
HILARIOUS JOKES - SAYING THE BLESSING
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
HILARIOUS JOKES - BEAN SOUP
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
HILARIOUS JOKES - ASSHOLE
A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All lawyers are ASSHOLES!"
2nd Man: Hey! I resent that!
1st Man: Why, are you a lawyer?
2nd Man: No! I'm an asshole!
2nd Man: Hey! I resent that!
1st Man: Why, are you a lawyer?
2nd Man: No! I'm an asshole!
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE INJURED THUMB
This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!"
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!"
"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."
"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.
"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."
