HILARIOUS JOKES - IF YOU FIRMED THIS UP

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bottom, and said: "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said: "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.

With a death grip in place, she said: "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the pool man."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE IMPROMPTU LECTURE

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is allotted to him.The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex.

Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.

The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night.

Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - ON THE OTHER SIDE

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. 

The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the other blonde, "Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim. Please tell me how you did this!"

The second blonde then says, "But you ARE on the other side!"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - HIS STORY VS HER STORY

A couple have been in a relationship for about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going. I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he’s still a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I’m not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don’t know what the hell that means because, you know, he doesn’t say it back or anything so when we get back to his place I’m wondering if he’s going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I’m going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else ???

His story:
Shit day at work. Great fuck later.

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE OLD AGE

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

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FUNNY ONE LINERS - DIFFERENCE

What's the difference between a blonde and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

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HILARIOUS JOKES - ANYTHING

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog.
Life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island. Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when suddenly his dog gave out a frantic bark and he had to give up the idea. A second and subsequent attempts by the man to approach the sheep from the rear met with similar frustrations.
Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl
 The girl thanked the man profusely. "I'm so grateful I'd do anything for you. Anything." she said
 "Good!" said the love-struck man happily, "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - GETTING MARRIED

"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

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FUNNY ONE LINERS - HILARIOUS FACEBOOK UPDATE

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

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FUNNY URDU JOKES - SHAADI WALI DUA

"Ya Allah!
Mere wo tamam gunah apne khaas fazl-o-karam se muaaf farma de... Jin ki wajah se meri shaadi ruki hui hai!"
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NOTE:
Shadi shuda hazraat "ruki" ka lafz nikal kar parhen!

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FUNNY ONE LINERS - STOPPING THE MICROWAVE

I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert!!

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE CHARISMATIC AFTERSHAVE

- Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?
- No! Tell me about it.
- It smells of $50 dollar bills.

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VERY VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - I LOVE YOU

Pathan aik larki se: "I love you."
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Larki: "Tameez se baat karo."
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Pathan: "Bismillah Hir Rehman Nir Raheem," With due respect I beg to say that I love you."

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