Showing posts with label Miscellaneous Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miscellaneous Jokes. Show all posts

PROPER DIET - HILARIOUS JOKES

A man walks into a doctor’s office.
He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

HILARIOUS JOKES - PRACTICING LAW

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

HILARIOUS JOKES - BROUGHT TO LIFE

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged fromthe bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

MOST HILARIOUS JOKES - THE MESSAGE

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE LYING BASTARD

A judge asks a defendant to please stand up.
"You're charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!"
The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You're also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You're also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, "I will hold you in contempt. What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE HORSE MASTER

A guy walks into a bar.

Guy: Hey barkeeper, gimme a beer.

Barkeeper: Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I'll give you a free beer and $500.

So, the guy walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs. The guy walks back in.

Guy: Where's my $500 and free beer?

Barkeeper: Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry.

The guy walks outside again. The barkeeper chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass and misses what the guy does, but he hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in.

Guy: Where's my $1000 and two free beers?

Barkeeper: What did you say to make the horse laugh?

Guy: I told him I have a bigger penis than him.

Barkeeper: And what did you do to make him cry?

Guy: I showed him!

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE IMPROMPTU LECTURE

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is allotted to him.The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex.

Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.

The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night.

Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."

HILARIOUS JOKES - ON THE OTHER SIDE

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. 
The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the other blonde, "Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim. Please tell me how you did this!"
The second blonde then says, "But you ARE on the other side!"

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE WINNER

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.

“Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

HILARIOUS JOKES - BLONDES ON SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun. You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

HILARIOUS STATISTICS JOKES - CALCULATION

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

FUNNY SHORT JOKES - OPTIONS FOR LUNCH

Air hostess: Would you like to have lunch, sir?
Passenger: Hmm, what are my options?
Air hostess: Yes, or no!

HILARIOUS JOKES - BACHELOR'S MENU

MONDAY:
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.

LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost ninety-nine cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.

AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the Maalox

DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw

LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

WEDNESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's

LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke

DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

THURSDAY:
BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza

LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.

DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

FRIDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.

LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder

DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

SATURDAY:
BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.

LUNCH - Ditto

DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

SUNDAY:
BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.

LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.

DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE BLONDE COMPANY

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE ACCIDENT

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

FUNNY AWKWARD MOMENTS - MURPHY'S LAW

MURPHY'S LAW:
"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."
  • Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
  • To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
  • The road to success... is always under construction.
  • Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
  • In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
  • Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
  • Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
  • If at first you don't succeed... destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
  • You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
  • Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
  • As soon as you mention something... if it is good, it is taken. If it is bad, it happens.
  • He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
  • If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late... the bus is still late.
  • Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
  • When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
  • If you have paper, you don't have a pen... If you have a pen, you don't have paper... if you have both, no one calls.
  • The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
  • After a long wait for bus No.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in, will be more crowded than the other.
  • If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
  • Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE RULES

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

HILARIOUS JOKES - CAUSING PRAYERS

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic-size swimming pool.
“Wow, thank you!”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the Priest. “Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.”
“Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”

HILARIOUS JOKES - BEAN SOUP

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"