"What made you marry Daddy, Mummy?"
"So you're beginning to wonder, too!"
"So you're beginning to wonder, too!"
Showing posts with label Family Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family Jokes. Show all posts
HILARIOUS JOKES - YES AND NO
Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Bob. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked ”Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?”
Her response was, ”The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be alright.’ When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . “
HILARIOUS JOKES - BIG TURKEYS
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
HILARIOUS JOKES - HELPING WIFE
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE COLD WAR
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
HILARIOUS JOKES - SAYING THE BLESSING
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
“Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
HILARIOUS JOKES - PHILOSOPHY AT DATING
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
HILARIOUS JOKES - BEAN SOUP
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
HILARIOUS JOKES - SECRET TO HAPPY LIFE
A lady noticed an old happy man sitting on his porch.
“Excuse me” she said “I just couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. Tell me, what is the secret to your long happy life.”
“Well, the man responded, “I eat fatty foods, never exercise. I also smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and drink about a case of whiskey a week”
“Wow.” the women said “and how old are you?”
“Twenty eight,” he said.
“Well, the man responded, “I eat fatty foods, never exercise. I also smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and drink about a case of whiskey a week”
“Wow.” the women said “and how old are you?”
“Twenty eight,” he said.
FUNNY QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - BLONDES
Q. Do you know the true reason for all of these blonde jokes?
A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up!
A. Brunettes and redheads think they look smart making them all up!
Q. What do you call a brunette between two blondes???
A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!)
Q. What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.
Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party?
A. The Invitation !
Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes?
A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.
A. LUCKY! (She finally gets some attention!)
Q. What's black and blue and lying in a ditch?
A. A Redhead who has told one too many dumb blonde jokes.
Q. What does a redhead miss the most at a party?
A. The Invitation !
Q. Why are there so many blonde jokes?
A. Because the blondes are out with all the men, the brunettes and redheads have nothing better to do on Friday and Saturday nights.
HILARIOUS JOKES - JUST LAUGHING
Little Johnny came downstairs crying loudly.
"What's the matter?" asked his mother.
"Papa was hanging pictures, and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did," sobbed Little Johnny.
"What's the matter?" asked his mother.
"Papa was hanging pictures, and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did," sobbed Little Johnny.
FUNNY SHORT JOKES - SEARCH FOR MONEY
A thief broke into my house last night. He was searching for money...
So, I woke up and started searching with him!
So, I woke up and started searching with him!
HILARIOUS JOKES - JESUS IS OUT THERE
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
FUNNY ONE LINERS - DRESSING/UNDRESSING
My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.
HILARIOUS JOKES - GENESIS AND EVOLUTION
A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
HILARIOUS JOKES - TRUE WIFE
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What’s the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.
Man: What’s the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.
FUNNY ONE LINERS - DIFFERENCE
What's the difference between a blonde and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
HILARIOUS JOKES - LEAVING FOR ADVENTURE
During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute, I'll go with you."
VERY VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - GHUSAL KHANA
Aik larki (doosri se): "Behan! Tum mithaee ka daba ghusal khanay mein kion rakh rahi ho?"
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Doosri ne jawab diya: "Behan! Yehi to woh jaga hai, jahan Pappu kaee kaee haftay daakhil nahi hota."
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Doosri ne jawab diya: "Behan! Yehi to woh jaga hai, jahan Pappu kaee kaee haftay daakhil nahi hota."
FUNNY URDU JOKES - TAXI DRIVER
Taxi driver (musafir se): "Janab! Main meter chalana bhool gaya hoon iss liye samajh mein
nahi aa raha k aap se kitnay paisay loon?"
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Musafir: "Preshani ki koi baat nahi, main bhi apna batwa ghar bhool aaya hoon."
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Musafir: "Preshani ki koi baat nahi, main bhi apna batwa ghar bhool aaya hoon."
