VERY FUNNY JOKE - AAJ K BACHAY

Aaj k Bachay..

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Postman knocked the door..
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A kid came with cigarette in
mouth &
beer in hand..
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Postman: "Papa hein.??"
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Kid: "Abay bhootni k, mujhe dekh k lagta hai k baap ghar pe hoga..?"
Kid rock's - Postman shock

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MOST FUNNY URDU JOKES - PATHAN KI DOSTI

Aik pathan 2 cigarette aik saath pi raha tha,
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Biwi: "Aaj 2 cigarette pi rahay ho, kion?"
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Pathan: "Dost ki yaad aa rahi hai, ham dono saath piya kartay thay. Iss liye 2 pi raha hoon."
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Kuch dino baad woh pathan 1 cigarette peenay lag gaya.
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Biwi: "Dost ko bhool gaye ho kya?"
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Pathan: "Aray nahi bewaqoof, main ne cigarette chorr di hai, uss ki pi raha hoon."

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VERY FUNNY ENGLISH JOKES - POLICEMAN

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

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After looking the man over he says: "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

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The man gets really indignant and says: "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE HORSE MASTER

A guy walks into a bar.

Guy: Hey barkeeper, gimme a beer.

Barkeeper: Tell you what, if you can make that horse out there laugh, I'll give you a free beer and $500.

So, the guy walks outside and whispers to the horse. The horse laughs. The guy walks back in.

Guy: Where's my $500 and free beer?

Barkeeper: Alright, double or nothing says you can't make that horse cry.

The guy walks outside again. The barkeeper chuckles to himself as he's cleaning a glass and misses what the guy does, but he hears the horse crying. The guy comes back in.

Guy: Where's my $1000 and two free beers?

Barkeeper: What did you say to make the horse laugh?

Guy: I told him I have a bigger penis than him.

Barkeeper: And what did you do to make him cry?

Guy: I showed him!

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FUNNY SHORT JOKES - THE DRINKING

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - BACHELOR'S MENU

MONDAY:
BREAKFAST - Who can eat breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth.

LUNCH - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost ninety-nine cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chili, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.

AFTERNOON SNACK - Drink the Maalox

DINNER - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

TUESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eat the coleslaw

LUNCH - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.

DINNER - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

WEDNESDAY:
BREAKFAST - Jaws couldn't eat breakfast after a night at El Flasho's

LUNCH - Rolaids and a coke

DINNER - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

THURSDAY:
BREAKFAST - Order out for pizza

LUNCH - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for leftovers.

DINNER - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

FRIDAY:
BREAKFAST - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.

LUNCH - Skip lunch, Fridays are murder

DINNER - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

SATURDAY:
BREAKFAST - Sleep through it.

LUNCH - Ditto

DINNER - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Don't eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

SUNDAY:
BREAKFAST - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.

LUNCH - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Don't eat Lunch.

DINNER - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE BLONDE COMPANY

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'

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HILARIOUS JOKES - BEAN SOUP

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - SECRET TO HAPPY LIFE

A lady noticed an old happy man sitting on his porch.

“Excuse me” she said “I just couldn’t help noticing how happy you look. Tell me, what is the secret to your long happy life.”
“Well, the man responded, “I eat fatty foods, never exercise. I also smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and drink about a case of whiskey a week”
“Wow.” the women said “and how old are you?”
“Twenty eight,”  he said.

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE DRUNKARD

A drunkard was hauled in court.

Judge: So, you are here for drinking.
Drunker: Awesome! When do we start the next session of drinking, sir?

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HILARIOUS JOKES - ASSHOLE

A man in a bar stands up and proclaims, "All lawyers are ASSHOLES!"
2nd Man: Hey! I resent that!
1st Man: Why, are you a lawyer?
2nd Man: No! I'm an asshole!

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE CRAZY TESTER

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said: "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That’s correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It’s red wine, cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." "Correct."

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE INJURED THUMB

This guy went into a restaurant and ordered his meal. When the waitress came out with his soup, he noticed that she had her thumb stuck into it. This upset him, but he let it go. She then brought out his chili, and again her thumb was in the food. He let it go again. When she brought out his hot fudge sundae, her thumb was in the fudge and this was too much for him.
"Goddammit," said the man, "get your damn thumb out of my food!"

"Well, I injured it a while ago and the doctor said I should keep it warm."

"Why don't you just shove it up your ass?" the man said angrily.

"That's what I do when I'm in the kitchen."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - LEGAL ADVICE

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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HILARIOUS JOKES - TRUE WIFE

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What’s the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he’s drunk.

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HILARIOUS JOKES - ONCE AND ONLY ONCE

A sale representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

"No, thanks," says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it."

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks," the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol once, but didn't like it."

Then the salesman glances out the office window and sees a golf course.

"I suppose you play golf," says the salesman. "I'd like to invite you to be a guest at my club."

"That's kind of you, but no, thanks," the manager says. "I played golf once, but I didn't like it."

Just then a young man enters the office.

"Let me introduce my son, Mike," says the plant manager.

"Let me guess," the salesman replies. "An only child?"

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - YOGA

Cigarette noshi k aik aadi shakhs ko kisi ne mashwara diya k woh yoga ki mashq karay. Iss tarah cigarette noshi tark karnay mein aasani ho gi.
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Dass (10) maah ki taweel aur sabar aazma mushaqqat k baad woh shakhs yoga mein mahir ho gaya.
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Kisi ne uss ki biwi se poocha: "Kya yoga ki mashqon se inn ko koi faeyda bhi hua hai?"
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Biwi ne jawab diya: "Ji haan! Ab woh sar k ball kharray ho kar bhi cigarette pi saktay hein."

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FUNNY URDU JOKES - QAYYAMAT

Aik afeemi qabarsitan mein jhoomta hua chala ja raha tha k aik tooti huee qabar mein gir gaya aur girtay hi ussay neend aa gaee.
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Doosray din subh ko woh utha to apnay aap ko qabaristan mein daikh kar ta'ajjub se bola: "Ghazab khuda ka! Qayyamat aa gaee aur sirf main hi zinda ho kar qabar se nikla hoon, baaqi sab bekhabar so rahay hein."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - WHISKY KI TALAB

"Kaash aaj meray paas biwi hoti." Aik sharabi dost se.
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Dost: "Kahan hai woh?"
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"Main whisky ki aik bottle k iwaz ussay juye mein haar gaya tha." Sharabi ne jawab diya.
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"Aur ab tumhein ehsaas ho raha hai k tumhein uss se kitni muhabbat thi?" Dost ne poocha.
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Sharabi ne jawab diya: "Nahi yaar! Aaj bhi whisky ki talab ho rahi hai."

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