God must love stupid people. He made so many.
Showing posts with label Religious Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Religious Jokes. Show all posts
MOST HILARIOUS PARROT JOKE - I SEE
A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."
VERY VERY FUNNY OLD MAN JOKE - OLD MAN
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105.
So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
MOST HILARIOUS URDU JOKE - ZAHEEN PATHAN
Sardar: "Yaar mujhay Saffar mein neend nahi aati..."
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"Aisa kion?".
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Pathan: "To tum Rabi-ull-Awwal mein so jaya karo..."
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"Aisa kion?".
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Pathan: "To tum Rabi-ull-Awwal mein so jaya karo..."
HILARIOUS URDU JOKES - JUMMAY KA KHUTBA
Pathan Jumma ki namaz parh kar ghar aaya aur khushi se biwi ko goud mein utha kar joomnay laga.
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Biwi: "Kiya molvi sahab ne Jumma ka khutba biwi k huqooq per diya hai?"
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Pathan: "Nahi... nahi, Molvi sahab ne kaha hai k jo shakhs duniya mein apni takleef khushi khushi uthaye ga woh seedha Jannat mein jaye ga."
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Biwi: "Kiya molvi sahab ne Jumma ka khutba biwi k huqooq per diya hai?"
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Pathan: "Nahi... nahi, Molvi sahab ne kaha hai k jo shakhs duniya mein apni takleef khushi khushi uthaye ga woh seedha Jannat mein jaye ga."
FUNNIEST JOKES - SHOWPIECES IN WINDOW
A woman visiting Israel notices that her little travel alarm needs battery. She looks for a watch repair shop, and as she couldn't read Hebrew, she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock.
The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I'm a mohel. I do circumcisions!"
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
The man replied, "And what should I have in my window?"
The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I'm a mohel. I do circumcisions!"
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
The man replied, "And what should I have in my window?"
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE FAIR GAME
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
HILARIOUS JOKES - CAUSING PRAYERS
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic-size swimming pool.
“Wow, thank you!”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the Priest. “Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.”
“Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic-size swimming pool.
“Wow, thank you!”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the Priest. “Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.”
“Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”
HILARIOUS JOKES - JESUS IS OUT THERE
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE JEWISH SAMURAI
In days long past, a Chinese emperor needed a new samurai to be his personal bodyguard. He sent out a message to all the lands summoning the best warriors to his court in three years time.
The day of the summoning arrives, and only three warriors present themselves.
The first, a Japanese Samurai, stepped forward. He opened a matchbox to release a fly into the air. With a slash of his sword, the tiny fly drops to the ground, chopped in half.
The second, a Chinese Samurai, stepped forward. He too opened a matchbox to release a mosquito into the air. With two quick chops, the mosquito dropped dead in four pieces.
The third, a Jewish Samurai, stepped forward. He opened his matchbox to set a small fruit fly flying in the air. He slashed the air, but the fruit fly continued to fly.
The Emperor, disappointed, asked why the fruit fly was not dead.
The Jewish Samurai replied, "If you look closely, you will notice that the fruit fly was just circumcised."
The day of the summoning arrives, and only three warriors present themselves.
The first, a Japanese Samurai, stepped forward. He opened a matchbox to release a fly into the air. With a slash of his sword, the tiny fly drops to the ground, chopped in half.
The second, a Chinese Samurai, stepped forward. He too opened a matchbox to release a mosquito into the air. With two quick chops, the mosquito dropped dead in four pieces.
The third, a Jewish Samurai, stepped forward. He opened his matchbox to set a small fruit fly flying in the air. He slashed the air, but the fruit fly continued to fly.
The Emperor, disappointed, asked why the fruit fly was not dead.
The Jewish Samurai replied, "If you look closely, you will notice that the fruit fly was just circumcised."
HILARIOUS JOKES - GENESIS AND EVOLUTION
A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE EARLY BIRD
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked.
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.
HILARIOUS JOKES - IT WORKS
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny.
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, “Wow, it really works.”
His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, “Wow, it really works.”
HILARIOUS JOKES - AS OLD AS
The census taker knocked on Donna’s door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.
“But everyone tells their age to the census taker,” he said.
“Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?” she asked.
“Certainly,” he replied “Well, I’m the same age as they are,” she snapped.
“As old as the Hills,” he wrote on his form.
“But everyone tells their age to the census taker,” he said.
“Did Miss Maisy Hill, and Miss Daisy Hill tell you their ages?” she asked.
“Certainly,” he replied “Well, I’m the same age as they are,” she snapped.
“As old as the Hills,” he wrote on his form.
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE RABBI'S ADVICE
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
HILARIOUS JOKES - JESUS ON THE DINING TABLE
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
FUNNY URDU JOKES - BIWI KI ROOH
Aik sahb apni badzuban aur jhagrralu biwi ko supurd-e-khaak kar k lawaheqeen k saath ghar
laut rahay thay k aik dam aasmaan per zor se bijli karrki aur baarish shuru ho gaee.
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Unn sahb ne upper daikhtay huye kaha: "Maloom hota hai k uss ki rooh ab upper pohnchi hai."
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Unn sahb ne upper daikhtay huye kaha: "Maloom hota hai k uss ki rooh ab upper pohnchi hai."
FUNNY URDU JOKES - SHETAN
Assembly ka ummeedwar taqreer karnay k baad khamosh hua to kisi ne zordar aawaaz mein kaha:
"Tum jhootay aur be-imaan ho, main tumharay muqablay mein shetan ko vote dena pasand karon
ga."
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Ummeedwar ne muskuratay huye kaha: "Theek hai janab! Agar aap ka dost election mein kharra na hua to phir aap mujhay hi vote dijiye ga."
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Ummeedwar ne muskuratay huye kaha: "Theek hai janab! Agar aap ka dost election mein kharra na hua to phir aap mujhay hi vote dijiye ga."
