HILARIOUS JOKES - PRACTICING LAW

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE LYING BASTARD

A judge asks a defendant to please stand up.
"You're charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!"
The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You're also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You're also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, "I will hold you in contempt. What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - BLONDE POLICE OFFICER

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

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HILARIOUS JOKES - CAUSING PRAYERS

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic-size swimming pool.
“Wow, thank you!”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the Priest. “Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.”
“Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE JEWISH SAMURAI

In days long past, a Chinese emperor needed a new samurai to be his personal bodyguard. He sent out a message to all the lands summoning the best warriors to his court in three years time.

The day of the summoning arrives, and only three warriors present themselves.

The first, a Japanese Samurai, stepped forward. He opened a matchbox to release a fly into the air. With a slash of his sword, the tiny fly drops to the ground, chopped in half.

The second, a Chinese Samurai, stepped forward. He too opened a matchbox to release a mosquito into the air. With two quick chops, the mosquito dropped dead in four pieces.

The third, a Jewish Samurai, stepped forward. He opened his matchbox to set a small fruit fly flying in the air. He slashed the air, but the fruit fly continued to fly.

The Emperor, disappointed, asked why the fruit fly was not dead.

The Jewish Samurai replied, "If you look closely, you will notice that the fruit fly was just circumcised."

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE ROLL CALL

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

"Ames"
"Here!"
"Jenson"
"Here!"
"Jones"
"Here!"
"Magersky"
"Here!"
"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

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THE DISTINCTION - GUTS, OR BALLS?

There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You’re next.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

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HILARIOUS JOKES - THE WRONG IDEA

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy’s lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to pee.”

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this hedge.”

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between
her legs.

He shouts in horror, “My God Mary … have you changed your sex?”

“No,” she replies. “I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit instead.”

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - CHORI KA ILZAAM

Judge (mulzim se): "Tumharay khilaaf chori ka ilzaam saabit nahi ho saka iss liye tumhein reha kiya jata hai."
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Mulzim: "Janab! Mujhay aik hafta qaid mein rakha gaya hai, iss k badlay mein koi chhota mota jurm karnay ki ijazat hai kya?"

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FUNNY URDU JOKES -DOSTI KA HAATH

Kisi ki taraf dosti ka haath fauran na barhao...
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Ho sakta hai wo usi waqt washroom se aya ho!

(-_-)   From
<] [> Commander
_/"/_ Safeguard

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REALLY FUNNY URDU JOKES - SARKARI KAAM

Wakeel (mulzim se): "Tumhein kis ilzaam mein griftaar kiya gaya hai?"
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Mulzim: "Sarkari kaam mein rukawat daalnay k ilzaam mein."
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Wakeel: "Tum ne kya kiya tha? "
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Mulzim: "Police wala paanch so (500) rupay maang raha tha aur main ussay sirf do so (200) rupay dena chahta tha."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - SADAR BAZAAR

Ustad (Pappu se): "Iss fiqray ka tarjama english mein karo k 'Sadar bazaar mein goliyan chal rahi hein'."
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Pappu ne kuch youn tarjama kiya: "The tablets are running in the sadar bazaar."

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FUNNY URDU JOKES - MIYYAN MITHU

Sardar apnay dost pathan se: "Batao, iss duniya ka sab se shareef admi kaun hai?"
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Pathan: "Yeh bata kar main apnay munh miyyan mithu nahi ban'na chahta."
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Sardar: "Acha to sab se be-imaan kaun hai?"
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Pathan: "Yeh bata kar main tum se dushmani mol nahi lena chahta."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - BEWAQOOF SARDAR

Judge (aik sardar se jis per qatal ka ilzaam tha): "Kya tum ne maqtool ko qatal kiya hai?"
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Sardar: "Ji nahi janab!"
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Judge (hoshiyari se): "Magar maqtool ka beyaan hai k tum ne ussay cheyh (6) goliyan maari theen."
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Sardar (jaldi se): "Yeh jhoot hai, main ne to uss ko sirf teen (3) goliyaan maari theen."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - FEES

Judge (jaib kutray se): "Tum ne iss admi ki jaib se batwa kis tarah nikala k ussay ilm hi nahi hua?"
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Mulzim fakhar se bola: "Janab! Iss ilm ko sikhanay ki fees paanch so (500) rupay hai."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - GAWAH

Muqaddimay ki smaat k doran judge ne mulzim se kaha: "Meray saamnay aisay tees (30) gawah aa chukay hein jinhon ne tumhein car churaatay huye daikha hai."
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Mulzim ne jawab diya: "Janab! Aap drust farma rahay hein lekin main aisay saath (60) gawah paish kar sakta hoon jinhon ne mujhay car churatay huye nahi daikha."

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FUNNY URDU JOKES - SAZA-E-MAOT

Saza-e-maot k mujrim ko lohay ki kursi per bitha kar karant day kar saza-e-maot di ja rahi thi.
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Bijli ka button dabanay walay ne aakhri waqt mujrim se poocha: "Tumhari koi aakhri khawhish hai?"
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Mujrim ne jawab diya: "Haan! Mera haath pakarr lo."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - JUDGE AUR CHOR

Judge ne aik chor se poocha: "Tum sheikh sahb k ghar mein kion daakhil huye?"
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Chor: "Janab! Unn k ghar k darwazay per likha tha 'Khush Aamdeed'."

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REALLY FUNNY URDU JOKES - RAIL KA TICKET

Daaku rail k dabbay mein musafiron ko loot rahay thay.
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Aik musafir se aik daaku ne kaha: "Jo kuch tumharay paas hai, jaldi se nikalo."
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Musafir: "Zara aahista bolo bhai sahb! Meray paas to rail ka ticket bhi nahi hai."

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VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - MULZIM

Judge (mulzim se): "Main ne pehlay bhi tumhein kaee baar mulzim k haisiyat se adaalat mein daikha hai."
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Mujrim: "Yeh janab ki qadar dani hai warna iss zamanay mein kaun kisi ko yaad rakhta hai?"

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