A guest calls the waiter and complains: “Why there are no chairs at our table? 😠”
The waiter shrugs: “I’m sorry but you only booked one table… 😉”
The waiter shrugs: “I’m sorry but you only booked one table… 😉”
Showing posts with label Double Meaning Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Double Meaning Jokes. Show all posts
HILARIOUS JOKES - PRACTICING LAW
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
The coroner says, "No."
The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
"No."
"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
HILARIOUS JOKES - CALLING A DOCTOR
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."
FUNNIEST JOKES - SHOWPIECES IN WINDOW
A woman visiting Israel notices that her little travel alarm needs battery. She looks for a watch repair shop, and as she couldn't read Hebrew, she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock.
The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I'm a mohel. I do circumcisions!"
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
The man replied, "And what should I have in my window?"
The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I'm a mohel. I do circumcisions!"
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
The man replied, "And what should I have in my window?"
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE LYING BASTARD
A judge asks a defendant to please stand up.
"You're charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!"
The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You're also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You're also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, "I will hold you in contempt. What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
"You're charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!"
The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You're also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You're also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, "I will hold you in contempt. What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"
FUNNY ONE LINERS - DEFINITION OF BOSS
Boss is an idiot who thinks that nine women can produce a child in one month.
ENGLISH LANGUAGE - FUNNY FACTS
An oldie, but favorite…
Did you know that “verb” is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
What is another word for “thesaurus”?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people use the word “irregardless”?
Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?
Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Did you know that “verb” is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?
What is another word for “thesaurus”?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people use the word “irregardless”?
Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?
Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?
Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
HILARIOUS JOKES - YES AND NO
Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Bob. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked ”Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?”
Her response was, ”The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be alright.’ When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . “
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE OLD PROPOSAL
In a party,
Wife: Look At that guy drinking and dancing...!!
Husband : Who is he.....???
Wife: 10 years back he proposed me & I rejected him...
Husband: Oh my GOD, he is still celebrating...!!!
Wife: Look At that guy drinking and dancing...!!
Husband : Who is he.....???
Wife: 10 years back he proposed me & I rejected him...
Husband: Oh my GOD, he is still celebrating...!!!
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE BLONDE COMPANY
A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke ?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
FUNNY ONE LINERS - WOMEN
- A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
- Women are like blue jeans. They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.
- Women drivers are like stars in the sky. You can see them, but they can't see you.
- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE FASHIONABLE PATIENT
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purplehair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.”
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”
HILARIOUS JOKES - GIRLS NIGHT OUT
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
HILARIOUS JOKES - BLONDE'S PERCEPTION
As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a blonde lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the blonde, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
"Just snow," replied the stewardess.
"That's what I thought," said the blonde, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."
HILARIOUS JOKES - HELPING WIFE
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"
FUNNY AWKWARD MOMENTS - MURPHY'S LAW
MURPHY'S LAW:
"Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong."
- Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.
- The road to success... is always under construction.
- Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
- In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
- Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak.
- Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works.
- If at first you don't succeed... destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
- You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side.
- Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.
- As soon as you mention something... if it is good, it is taken. If it is bad, it happens.
- He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule.
- If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late... the bus is still late.
- Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.
- When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.
- If you have paper, you don't have a pen... If you have a pen, you don't have paper... if you have both, no one calls.
- The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
- After a long wait for bus No.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in, will be more crowded than the other.
- If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.
- Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE RULES
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE DEPRESSION
Sheri, a pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me", she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".
"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
"I see", nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter".
"No!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"
HILARIOUS JOKES - MUCH THE SAME WAY
A doctor had just bought a villa on the French Riviera, when met an old lawyer friend whom he hadn’t seen in years, and they started talking. The lawyer, as it turned out, owned a nearby villa. They discussed how they came to retire to the Riviera.
“Remember that lousy office complex I bought?” asked the lawyer, “Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It’s amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way.”
“It sure is,” the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, “but I’m confused about one thing – how do you start a flood?”
“Remember that lousy office complex I bought?” asked the lawyer, “Well, it caught fire, and I retired here with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. It’s amazing that we both ended up here in pretty much the same way.”
“It sure is,” the lawyer replied, looking puzzled, “but I’m confused about one thing – how do you start a flood?”
HILARIOUS JOKES - BEAN SOUP
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
