Showing posts with label Engineer Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Engineer Jokes. Show all posts

MOST HILARIOUS ENGLISH JOKES - THREE GUYS

Three guys are in a Cessna.
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The first drops a penny out the window.
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The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb.
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When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed.
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He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead.
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The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head.
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The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off.
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He asks: "Why are you laughing?"
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The guy says: "I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..."
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"What's so funny about that?"
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"It blew my neighbor's house apart!"

FUNNY ONE LINERS - APPLE AND BLACKBERRY

Life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE LYING BASTARD

A judge asks a defendant to please stand up.
"You're charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!"
"Silence in the court!"
The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You're also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.
"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You're also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."
"You cheap son of a..." the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, "I will hold you in contempt. What is the reason for your outbursts?"
"I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

FUNNY SHORT JOKES - THE DRINKING

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

HILARIOUS JOKES - BLONDES ON SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun. You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

HILARIOUS STATISTICS JOKES - CALCULATION

Two statisticians were traveling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.

However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.

However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"

HILARIOUS MICROSOFT JOKES - TECHNICALITY

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. The sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply."

HILARIOUS AIR HOSTESS JOKES - TEA FIRST

After been in a flight the pilot turns on the speakers to tell the passengers that in one hour time they would be landing, he forgot to turn off the speaker and says to the other pilot 'mi a drink some tea an then guh fuck the air hostess'...
The air hostess heard and started to run towards the cockpit to tell him that the speaker is on, so a little boy puts his foot in the way and she tripped and fell he then looks down on her and says 'yuh nuh hear d man seh him a drink some tea fus'

HILARIOUS JOKES - BLONDE'S PERCEPTION

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a blonde lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"

"Just snow," replied the stewardess.

"That's what I thought," said the blonde, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE COLD WAR

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper:
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '

He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

HILARIOUS JOKES - FOR THE TECHNICALLY CHALLENGED

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:

1.Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.

2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.

7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.

9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer”. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer – but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.

10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.

11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”

12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ’4X’ on it.” At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk – I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2″ meant to remove Disk 1 first.

14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it’s cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

As Ripley would say, believe it or not!

HILARIOUS JOKES - DOING ANYTHING TO PASS

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."

He returns her gaze. "Anything?"

"Anything."

His voice softens. "Anything??"

"Absolutely anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE LONGER SPEECH

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?”, he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.” Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE NON-EXISTENT CHAIR

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

HILARIOUS JOKES - SARDAR IN RAIN

Sardar goes over to visit one of his friends.
While he is at his friend's house, it starts to rain very heavily the type that is not going to stop. His friend tells him to spend the night at his house and go home the next day.
When he hears this, he rushes out the door and comes a while later totally drenched and carrying a small bag.
So his friend asks, "Where did you run off too!"
Sardar says, "I went home to get my pajamas!"

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE TEST

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications.

In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

FUNNY URDU JOKES - ENGINEER AUR MECHANIC

Pagal khanay ka moaina kartay huye doctor sahb aik kamray mein daakhil huye to nurse ne kaha: "Doctor sahb! Yeh kamra inn zehni mareezon ka hai jo auto mobile engineer aur mechanic hein."
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Doctor ne herat se poocha: "Lekin yeh log kahan gaye? Bistar per to koi nazar nahi aa raha."
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Nurse ne jawab diya: "Janab! Sab k sab bistar k neechay hein aur gaarriyon ki murammat kar rahay hein."

VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - MOTI AURAT

Lift mein aik saath bohat se log sawar ho gaye.
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Operator ne button dabaya lekin lift apni jagah se na hilli.
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Uss ne darkhawst ki k kam az kam aik fard lift se utar jaye.
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Aik nehayat moti khatoon ne eesaar ka muzahira kiya aur lift se utar gaeen.
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Kaee doosray log ab bhi bahar hi apni baari k intazar mein kharray thay.
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Operator ne dobara button dabaya to lift waqaee upper rawana ho gaee.
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Moti khatoon ne doosray logon ki taraf daikhtay huye qadray sharmindage se kaha: "Mera wazan itna zyada nahi k lift meri wajah se ruk jati, darasal aaj meray zehan per bojh bohat zyada hai."