Showing posts with label Women Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Women Jokes. Show all posts

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE BETTER ONE

Two little boys were arguing.
“My father is better than your father!”
“No he’s not!”
“My brother is better than your brother!”
“No he’s not!”
“My mother is better than your mother!”
The second boy paused. “Well I guess you’ve got me there. My father says the same thing.”

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE OBSTINATE FATHER

"Will the father be present during the birth?"
asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be, "He and my husband don't get along."

HILARIOUS JOKES - BROUGHT TO LIFE

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged fromthe bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

HILARIOUS JOKES - CALLING A DOCTOR

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. "Step aside, lady," he barked. "I've taken a course in first-aid!"

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. "Pardon me," she said. "But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here."

MOST HILARIOUS JOKES - THE MESSAGE

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Can't," breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

FUNNY ONE LINERS - DEFINITION OF BOSS

Boss is an idiot who thinks that nine women can produce a child in one month.

HILARIOUS JOKES - A HUSBAND'S PUNISHMENT


The clerk asked me, “Cash, check or charge?” after ringing up my purchase.

As I fumbled through my wallet, she noticed a remote control for a television set in my purse.

“Do you always carry your TV remote?” she asked.

“No,” I replied. “But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him!”

HILARIOUS JOKES - IF YOU FIRMED THIS UP

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bottom, and said: "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said: "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed his crotch.

With a death grip in place, she said: "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener and the pool man."

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE IMPROMPTU LECTURE

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club. The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture, on a theme starting on a letter which is allotted to him.The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex.

Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.

The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night.

Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."

FUNNY SHORT JOKES - SCREWED

Interviewer: What is the difference between paper clip and a screw?

Interviewee: I do not know. I have never been paper clipped.

HILARIOUS JOKES - ON THE OTHER SIDE

Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. 
The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the other blonde, "Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim. Please tell me how you did this!"
The second blonde then says, "But you ARE on the other side!"

HILARIOUS JOKES - OFF MEN FOR LIFE

A blond at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life. "They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator"
"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

FUNNY SHORT JOKES - THE DRINKING

"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."

HILARIOUS JOKES - YES AND NO

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Bob. He would complain about everything. That day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.
At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
The minister asked ”Why are you shaking your head yes for men and no for women?”
Her response was, ”The men would say how sorry they felt for me and I was saying, ‘Yes, I’ll be alright.’ When the women walked by, they were asking if the mule is for sale . . . “

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE WINNER

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.

“Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”

HILARIOUS JOKES - BLONDES ON SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”

The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun. You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

HILARIOUS AIR HOSTESS JOKES - TEA FIRST

After been in a flight the pilot turns on the speakers to tell the passengers that in one hour time they would be landing, he forgot to turn off the speaker and says to the other pilot 'mi a drink some tea an then guh fuck the air hostess'...
The air hostess heard and started to run towards the cockpit to tell him that the speaker is on, so a little boy puts his foot in the way and she tripped and fell he then looks down on her and says 'yuh nuh hear d man seh him a drink some tea fus'

FUNNY SHORT JOKES - OPTIONS FOR LUNCH

Air hostess: Would you like to have lunch, sir?
Passenger: Hmm, what are my options?
Air hostess: Yes, or no!

HILARIOUS JOKES - 25 YEARS BACK

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied."
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

HILARIOUS JOKES - SOMETHING SPECIAL

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"