FUNNIEST JOKES - SHOWPIECES IN WINDOW

A woman visiting Israel notices that her little travel alarm needs battery. She looks for a watch repair shop, and as she couldn't read Hebrew, she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock.
The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I'm a mohel. I do circumcisions!"
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
The man replied, "And what should I have in my window?"

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE FAIR GAME

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - CAUSING PRAYERS

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
“Come with me”, said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic-size swimming pool.
“Wow, thank you!”, said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
“Wait, I think you are a little mixed up”, said the Priest. “Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.”
“Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.”

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - BEAN SOUP

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

Read Full Joke...

FUNNY ONE LINERS - UNIVERSE

The universe is a waste of space.

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - JESUS IS OUT THERE

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE JEWISH SAMURAI

In days long past, a Chinese emperor needed a new samurai to be his personal bodyguard. He sent out a message to all the lands summoning the best warriors to his court in three years time.

The day of the summoning arrives, and only three warriors present themselves.

The first, a Japanese Samurai, stepped forward. He opened a matchbox to release a fly into the air. With a slash of his sword, the tiny fly drops to the ground, chopped in half.

The second, a Chinese Samurai, stepped forward. He too opened a matchbox to release a mosquito into the air. With two quick chops, the mosquito dropped dead in four pieces.

The third, a Jewish Samurai, stepped forward. He opened his matchbox to set a small fruit fly flying in the air. He slashed the air, but the fruit fly continued to fly.

The Emperor, disappointed, asked why the fruit fly was not dead.

The Jewish Samurai replied, "If you look closely, you will notice that the fruit fly was just circumcised."

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - GENESIS AND EVOLUTION

A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..

The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE EARLY BIRD

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. “What are you charged with?” he asked.
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” replied the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

Read Full Joke...

FUNNY THINGS TO PONDER

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
11. If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn't he just buy dinner?
12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
14. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
15. Stop singing and read on............
16. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
17. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
18. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
19. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE RABBI'S ADVICE

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - JESUS ON THE DINING TABLE

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - FEAR OF SATAN

Priest: Are you scared of Satan, Johny?
Little Johnny: Nope. I have nothing to be scared of. You are the one that must be scared; you talk crap about him every Sunday…

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE?

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”
The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?”
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE CHILDHOOD HABIT

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Pastor,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”
“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.
“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the churchgoer.
“Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - NEW BARBER

Boy (with long hair): Are you the stylist who cut my hair the last time?
Hair Stylist: Couldn't be. I have only been here for three months.

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - DRIVER'S FAULT

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much .
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's my entire fault, today is my first day driving a cab.... I've been driving a hearse for the last 23 years."

Read Full Joke...

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE DENSITY

Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven.
So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk.
'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope.
Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman.
'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?'
'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.'

Read Full Joke...

CREATION - FUNNY ONE LINERS

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.

Read Full Joke...

HEAVEN AND HELL - HILARIOUS JOKE

Definitions of heaven and hell:
In heaven...

• all the cooks are French
• all the police are English
• all the engineers are German
• all the lovers are Italian
• and everything's organized by the Swiss

In hell...

• all the cooks are English
• all the police are German
• all the engineers are French
• all the lovers are Swiss
• and everything's organized by the Italians

Read Full Joke...