- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an air plane.
- It’s not the pace of life that concerns me, it’s the sudden stop.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
- Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
- Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself ).
- When you’re finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
- If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
- The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.
- Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- It’s not hard to meet expenses...they’re everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!
