Showing posts with label Love Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love Jokes. Show all posts

HILARIOUS JOKES - IF.../SEND ME

She sends him a SMS message:
- My dear, if you sleep send me your dreams, if you laugh send me your smile, if you cry send me your tears. I love you.
He answers:
- I’m on latrine duty. What do you want that I send to you?

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE WRONG IDEA

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane.
They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy’s lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, “I hope you don’t mind but I really do need to pee.”

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, “OK. Why don’t you go behind this hedge.”

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between
her legs.

He shouts in horror, “My God Mary … have you changed your sex?”

“No,” she replies. “I’ve changed my mind, I’m having a shit instead.”

HILARIOUS JOKES - HIS STORY VS HER STORY

A couple have been in a relationship for about four months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well, Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going. I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he’s still a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I’m not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don’t know what the hell that means because, you know, he doesn’t say it back or anything so when we get back to his place I’m wondering if he’s going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I’m going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and, I dunno, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else ???

His story:
Shit day at work. Great fuck later.

FUNNY THINGS TO PONDER

  1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

  2. Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

  3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  4. Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

  5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

  6. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

  7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

  8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

  9. Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

  10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

  11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

  12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

  13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

  14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

  15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

  16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

  17. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

  18. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

  19. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

  20. If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE PLEASANT ETIQUETTE

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE OLD AGE

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

HILARIOUS JOKES - POOR OLD MAN

There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.

Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man's first day was going.

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

FUNNY ONE LINERS - DIFFERENCE

What's the difference between a blonde and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE RABBI'S ADVICE

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later, the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

HILARIOUS JOKES - ANYTHING

A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog.
Life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island. Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when suddenly his dog gave out a frantic bark and he had to give up the idea. A second and subsequent attempts by the man to approach the sheep from the rear met with similar frustrations.
Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl
 The girl thanked the man profusely. "I'm so grateful I'd do anything for you. Anything." she said
 "Good!" said the love-struck man happily, "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"

HILARIOUS JOKES - THE BLONDE AND THE PLOW

A blonde got lost in her car in a snowstorm. She remembered what her dad had once told her. ”If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it.” Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, ”Well, I’m done with the parking lot here at Wal-Mart, now you can follow me over to K-Mart.”

VERY VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - CHAAND AUR TAARA

Beta (baap se): "Abbu! Aap to mujh se bilkul muhabbat nahi kartay, jabkeh parros walay uncle apnay betay ko chaand aur taara keh kar bulaatay hein."
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Baap ne jawab diya: "Betay! Baat yeh hai k woh mahir-e-falkiyaat hein aur main jaanwaron ka doctor hoon."

VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - HAMDARDI K BOL

Aik shakhs gharelu jhagrron se ghabra kar aik hotel mein ja baitha.
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Bairay ne aa kar poocha: "Sahb! Aap ko kya chahiye?"
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Woh shakhs bola: "Aik plate talli huee machli aur hamdardi k do (2) bol."
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Thorri dair baad bairay ne machli ki plate la kar maiz per rakhi aur phir uss sahb k kaan mein kaha: "Yeh machli na khana, baasi hai."

REALLY FUNNY URDU JOKES - WALID SAHB

Ustad sardar se: "Tumharay walid sahb kya kartay hein?"
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Sardar: "Ji woh wakeel hein."
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Ustad pathan se: "Tumharay walid sahb kya kartay hein?"
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Pathan: "Sir woh doctor hein."
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Ustad Pappu se: "Aur tumharay walid sahb kya kartay hein?"
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Pappu: "Ji woh wohi kartay hein jo meri ammi kehti hein."

FUNNY URDU JOKES - SHER

Do (2) dost sheikhiyan baghaar rahay thay.
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Aik bola: "Main jungle k qareeb nadi mein naha raha tha k achanak aik sher aa gaya, meri rifle door parri thi aur mujhay tairna bhi nahi aata tha. Iss liye main ghauta bhi nahi laga sakta tha. Phir main ne apnay ausaan khata na honay diye aur sher k munh per pani ka cheenta itnay zor se maara k woh dar kar bhaag gaya."
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Doosra dost bola: "Yeh kab ka waqeya hai?"
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Pehla dost: "Guzishta itwaar ka."
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Pehla dost: "Phir to tum drust kehtay ho kionkeh ussi din aik sher meray ghar aaya tha main ne uss ki moonchon ko haath laga kar daikha to woh geeli theen."

VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - NAEE NAWELI DULHAN

Naee naweli dulhan koi kaam na karti thi jabkeh shaadi ko aik maah ho gaya aur uss ne kaam ko haath tak na lagaya tha.
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Dulha waldain ki ikloti aulad tha.
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Tang aa kar maa betay ne aik mansooba banaya.
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Subh uthay to dono ne haath mein aik aik jharroo pakarr li aur larrnay lagay.
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Maa kehti 'jharroo main doon gi', beta kehta 'nahi main doon ga'.
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Unn ka khayal tha k dulhan yeh sun kar khud jharroo denay lagay gi.
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Bahu ne shor suna to kamray se uth kar aaee aur larrnay ki wajah poochi aur sun kar kehnay lagi: "Iss mein larrnay ki kya baat hai Ammi! Aik din jharroo aap diya karein aik din yeh dein gay."

FUNNY URDU JOKES - DEENDAR BIWI

Aik sahb ko masjid mein pehli baar daikh kar molvi sahb ne kaha: "Barri khushi ki baat hai, aap naiki k raastay per aa gaye hein. Zuroor aap ki deendar biwi ne aap ko yahan aanay ki talqeen ki hogi?"
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Unn sahb ne jawab diya: "Ji han! Mujhay do (2) baton mein se aik ko chun'na tha k aap ka wa'az sunoon ya uss ka?"

FUNNY URDU JOKES - PAPPU GANDA BACHA

Maa pinki se: "Beta! Main ne tumhein Pappu k saath khailnay se mana kiya tha k buray bachon k saath nahi khailna chahiye."
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Pinki boli: "Ammi! Main kaisi bachi hoon?"
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Maa: "Tum to bohat achay bachay ho."
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Pinki: "Phir ammi! Pappu to meray saath khail sakta hai na?"

REALLY FUNNY URDU JOKES - NAEE GHARRI

Aik sahb barri taizi se ghar mein dakhil huye aur apni begum ko kamray mein lay ja kar bolay: "Begum! Darwazay aur khirrkiyaan, sab band kar do. Khirrkiyon k parday gira do aur light bhi off kar do."
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Begum ne unn k hukam ki tameel ki to woh sahb apni biwi ko aik konay mein lay gaye aur kalaee aagay kartay huye bolay: "Daikho begum! Meri naee gharri andhairay mein kaisay chamak rahi hai?"

VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - SAMAJHDAR AMMI

Aik dost (doosray se): "Tumhari ammi ko kaisay maloom hua k tum ne munh nahi dhoya?"
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Doosray ne masoomiyat se jawab diya: "Main saban bhigona bhool gaya tha."