Teacher: What happened in 1809?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Stupid. Abraham Lincoln was born in 1809. Okay, what happened in 1819?
Student: Abraham Lincoln was ten years old.
Student: Abraham Lincoln was ten years old.
Showing posts with label Classroom Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Classroom Jokes. Show all posts
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE NOISY KID
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ”If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I’d be a little bull.”
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”
The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!”
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ”If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.”
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ”What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!”
The kid smiles and says, ”I would be a bus driver!”
HILARIOUS JOKES - FOR THE TECHNICALLY CHALLENGED
Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged). The following is an excerpt taken from a Wall Street Journal article:
1.Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.
9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer”. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer – but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ’4X’ on it.” At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk – I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2″ meant to remove Disk 1 first.
14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it’s cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
As Ripley would say, believe it or not!
1.Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2.AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn’t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4.Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5.A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6.Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “send” key.
7.Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8.A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid”. The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.
9.A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer”. The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer – but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked “What power switch?”
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
Tech: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
Caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
Caller: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
Tech: “Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
Caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ’4X’ on it.” At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk – I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2″ meant to remove Disk 1 first.
14.In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from it’s cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
As Ripley would say, believe it or not!
HILARIOUS JOKES - GENESIS AND EVOLUTION
A little girl asked her mother: "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made..."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..
The father answered: "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The confused girl returned to her mother and said: "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered: "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
HILARIOUS JOKES - POINT OF VIEW
- The pessimist sees only darkness in the tunnel.
- The optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
- The realist sees that the light is the train.
- The train driver sees three idiots on the tracks.
HILARIOUS JOKES - DOING ANYTHING TO PASS
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "...I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE LONGER SPEECH
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?”, he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.” Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”
“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?”, he demanded. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.” Jenkins was baffled. “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE HARD SOLUTION
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE NON-EXISTENT CHAIR
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board:
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
"Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class, however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
A week later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE LIBRARY DECORUM
A blonde walks into a library and shouts “I’LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND SOME FRIES.”
The librarian says, “This is a library.”
The blonde says, “Yes I know. I’LL HAVE A HAMBURGER A COKE AND FRIES.”
And the librarian says, one more time, ”But this is a library, miss!”
The blonde goes “Oh,” and whispers, “I’ll have a hamburger a coke and fries!”
FUNNY THINGS TO PONDER
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out of them?"
- Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's butt."
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- If Wile E Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
- Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
- Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Stop singing and read on............
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE PLEASANT ETIQUETTE
During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."
HILARIOUS JOKES - THE TEST
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications.
In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
"Simple," said the department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
50 TOP HILARIOUS INSULTS
- You should need a license to be that ugly.
- Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
- Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental.
- Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
- You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.
- You've got diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
- I wonder whether you'd still be an idiot if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
- Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
- Your job must be to spread ignorance.
- Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be left out alone.
- Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
- If you don't like my opinion of you - improve yourself.
- I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
- I'm glad to see you're not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.
- It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because you don't matter.
- Every boy has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
- Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass.
- I've come across decomposing bodies that are less offensive than you are.
- I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission.
- Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
- Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
- People can't say that you have absolutely nothing. After all, you have inferiority!
- Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on a goat's ass.
- You are living proof that manure can grow legs and walk.
- You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully justified.
- Aren't you the poster child for birth control?
- I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame.
- I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be.
- I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
- I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
- If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents.
- If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
- Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
- The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family.
- We all spring from apes but you didn't spring far enough.
- We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
- When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down.
- When you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
- You have the IQ of lint.
- You are depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- You are living proof that man can live without a brain.
- People would follow you anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
- I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
- I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
- I feel sorry for you because you are so homely but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
- When you were born, God admitted that even He could make a mistake!
- If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.
- Shouldn't a guy with your IQ have a low voice too?
- After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.
HILARIOUS JOKES - JESUS ON THE DINING TABLE
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
FUNNY SHORT JOKES - TYPOS
Million copies of a new book sold in just two days due to a typing error in title:
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"An Idea Can Change Your Wife (Life)!"
FUNNY URDU JOKES -DOSTI KA HAATH
Kisi ki taraf dosti ka haath fauran na barhao...
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Ho sakta hai wo usi waqt washroom se aya ho!
(-_-) From
<] [> Commander
_/"/_ Safeguard
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Ho sakta hai wo usi waqt washroom se aya ho!
(-_-) From
<] [> Commander
_/"/_ Safeguard
VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - SCHOOL
Baap (Pappu se): "Pappu daikho beta! Main tumhein shareer larkon ki sohbat se door rakhna
chahta hoon."
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Pappu ne foran jawab diya: "Abba jaan! Issi liye to main school nahi jata."
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Pappu ne foran jawab diya: "Abba jaan! Issi liye to main school nahi jata."
VERY FUNNY URDU JOKES - MIRZA GHALIB
Aik sikh shaer ne jo B.A pass tha, Ghalib k ash'aar ki tashreeh likhna shuru ki.
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Jab yeh sher saamnay aaya "Maut ka aik din moaiyyen hai, neend kion raat bhar nahi aati."
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To sikh shaer ne uss ki tashreeh kuch iss tarah ki: "Ghalib kehta hai k maut jab bhi aaye gi din k waqt hi aaye gi, phir raat ko neend kion nahi aati hai?"
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Jab yeh sher saamnay aaya "Maut ka aik din moaiyyen hai, neend kion raat bhar nahi aati."
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To sikh shaer ne uss ki tashreeh kuch iss tarah ki: "Ghalib kehta hai k maut jab bhi aaye gi din k waqt hi aaye gi, phir raat ko neend kion nahi aati hai?"
